Guys You Wish You'd Done the Dirty With - A List

So – after this weekend’s massive bummer of a problem (of a year!), let’s move on to something a bit more fun. I wasn’t even supposed to write today, but Robert Goren is doning my screen and as I flipped through Facebook, Facebook totally ballsacked me by showing a bunch of guys on my profile whom I’ve secretly coveted for years.

So I want to talk about them. No names of course, but here’s a list of guys whom I have secret desire for but whom I will NEVER be able, or in some cases want, to become a notch on my bedpost. Did I just write that? You can bet your fucking sexual I did.

1//Douche-bag military man: I went to school with this guy and hated his guts. To this day, I frown my face thinking of him, and I don’t know why because at the same time I have (and have had for something like five years) wanted to seduce him. SEDUCE HIM!

He’s, to me, a very masculine, alphamale-ish character, who’s intelligent, haughty, proud… almost a Mr. Darcy type of guy, just… not as… hot. Whenever we meet, we always end up fighting. I am not kidding you, I always pissed him off or he pissed me off. Everytime something had “been in the air,” and I’d decided that, if this guy played his cards right, I would agree to everything he said – he would say or do something completely retarded and I’d shun him – or he’d shun me. Last time I saw him, I’d already started something with someone else when he FINALLY kissed me and I’m like “FOR GOD’S SAKE MAN, couldn’t you have gotten your shit together like, fucking, two hours ago!”

I haven’t seen him since. I think he was well offended. Goddamnit.

2//Loveable American goofball: He was a friend of a friend and the first time I met him, I don’t think I paid attention to him at all. Soon after his girlfriend was visiting so obviously he was off the ‘market’. She lived in another country and even though I don’t really remember ever hanging out with him without her being around, I mysteriously grew this incredible crush on him, like MASSIVE BIG TIME crush, right in front of the girlfriend. Whom is the sweetest girl on the planet, so I felt so incredibly bad.

But seriously, this guy was giving me the works. He was so adorable, so funny, so flirtatious when he was drunk. She would be at the same party, perhaps even in the same room, and he would say things to me like “I like tattoos on a girl, I think it’s sexy. REALLY sexy….” OMFGJUSTDOMERIGHTTHENANDTHEWHYDON’TYOU! I would never ever though, and he’s still with his lovely girlfriend and they are happy together, so that’s never gonna happen…. And yet, if they wanted to do something freaky, like, a week of random hook-ups before tying the knot.. he better fucking call me.

3//The smooth kid: One day I’ll explain my age-ism a little more, but even if this guy wasn’t already dating someone, I would still have been totally unable to do anything with him. Cause he’s four years younger than me, thus outside my decade. That makes me ooooold. OLD OLD COUGAR LADY.

He’s really nice though, like, not just looks nice (so smooth, Suits-type of person) but also is funny, charming and down to earth. Such a kid though, and his friends are so ridiculously young and immature but OF COURSE! – so is he. I have no fucking idea why I think he’s attractive, I must have gotten a damaging brain freeze.

4//Married hipster techie: I haven’t spent a lot of time with this guy, and yet after an intense conversation with him AND HIS WIFE (yes… she was right there), I became absolutely mesmerised by his… brains. And his beautiful face. I once dated a Hungarian guy. Eastern European guys… jesus, these guys and their BUUUUUUTIFUL faces! Not all of them, but you won’t find a face like you’ll find a face in Serbia or Hungary.

That’s actually it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

5//The ‘two-out-of-three’ Man: He’s ridiculously good looking, intelligent, funny… but he’s already porked two of my friends and I have no intentions of doing a ‘triple-pole-share’. That would be so wrong. So so wrong.

6//The untouchable: There is one guy who, though he’s single and I have to admit liking very much as a friend, has a thick wall of no-fucking-way-ever-forget-it-sister around him. I don’t even think I like him that way, but… I also could have a deep seated, internal brake inside my mind that mentally stops any emotion I may have towards him from evolving into any sexual and/or romantic character. I don’t think he likes me that way AT ALL, and I’m confident that I don’t feel anything like that – but I think I decided this. In my head.

There are some complications involved which is probably why my mind completely abandoned any desire to actually follow through, to try, TO EVEN FUCKING CONSIDER CONSIDERING IT. And yet, he’s on this list because I think he’s such an amazing guy, like really, in an alternative universe where I was hotter and he didn’t have… whatever he has… of issue… he would be an awesome boyfriend. Just. Fucking. Perfect.

7//Exception to the rule: This guy is actually the third exception to the rule, if we get all technical, but fuck it, his hair is really the vocal point of him. He’s another one of those “I have no idea why I desire you but… damnit, we should’ve gotten busy.” But then, I would probably have regretted it tremendously if we had. He’s so out of my league, not that he’s disgustingly hot but… he just ‘feels’ like… he’s a finer breed of human. Does that make sense? Probably not.

All I can say, he made me feel uncomfortable and at the same time, I craved his attention. I’m totally retarded.

8//Perfect married daddy stranger: Ever never meet someone but become secretly attractive to him through an embarrassing display of stalking via social media and then from time to time update yourself on his exciting and important life, coverting his attention cause he’s smart and cute, but having no legitimate way of gaining it, cause you’re shy as it is and Facebook doesn’t relieve that AND you also know he’s married with kids?

Yeah… me neither…

9//Luscious-haired skater man: I spent something like three months hanging out with a guy whom my friend had a MASSIVE crush on. How did we end up hanging out? Well…

My friend wanted this guy – I personally thought he look like a stoner cave man, but sure, I would come along as she spent time with him, looking at him thinking “what the….” I only spoke directly with him a couple of times prior, and then my friends both left me (…. we’re very close….) for the summer and uhm, there was a whole “he has a girlfriend” thing uhm and my friend started dating another guy and then she went to the States and I was like “but meeeeh, I don’t have anyone to go out with..” and then she said “well then just go out with the dude” and I was like “omg that’s gonna be so weird…” and though it was weird the first 30 minutes it turned out even WEIRDER when he ended up going home with me and we giggled like school girls while he told me stories of his youth and NOTHING HAPPENED but he was so freakin’ awesome and smelled so good and, I guess, if he hadn’t had a girlfriend, it would have gotten freaky.

OH WELL. I had a blast anyway, he was awesome.