I’ve now been awake for 23 hours and I’m ehm… heading to work?
Well, after a couple of hours of restless unproductive, possibly counterproductive sleep I am. I can already feel my skin breaking out in weird, sugar-fueled acne that will scare the living shit out of you.
So, Oscars huh, Ellen “A-list wank” selfie, fairly good and short acceptance speeches, so many questions though, like, where was Ben Affleck, and was the kid from Captain Phillips really bummed out that he didn’t win, and did Whoopie Goldberg decide on that white shirt under a perfectly fine black dress JUST before leaving the house?
Also, who was J-Law referring to when she scolded someone for laughing, was Tom Hanks even around, and what did Christoph Waltz win an Oscar for last year (I can’t believe I’m even asking this but, blimey I don’t even remember!).
Speaking of the new American Sweetheart (a title I can only imagine Julia Roberts squirming viciously about), what the hell was the deal with that backward necklace (bad choice, bad, Jennifer), and did that weird mechanical, model-faced presenter really call Julia Roberts JESSICA Roberts? HOW DO YOU DO THAT. I ask. Sincerely baffled and astounded.
I’ve enjoyed… to various degrees…. watching the Academy Awards every year since 2000. This was one of the few years I actually went “Gee, you guys did well.”
The games are fixed anyway. It’s unfortunately based on a lot of “it’s this person’s TURN to win” and apparent ‘campaigning’ rather than 6000 people who watched all the movies (because they love movies, because DUH) and went “I can with great confidence, based on fact and my personal preferences for this or that performance, determine that [insert movie name] was the best of the lot.”
But that’s not how it is now is it.
If the Academy had asked me, I would agree on Leto, Blanchett and Nyong’o but YOU PASSED OVER LEONARDO DICAPRIO on what was VERY LIKELY a PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME.
Fair enough, I haven’t seen ‘Dallas Buyers Club’, but WE STILL REMEMBER ‘HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS’, ‘SAHARA’ and ‘FAILURE TO LAUNCH’. McConaughey. WE REMEMBER.
This is just as ridiculous as Jonah Hill holding more nominations than Gary Oldman. Yeah. Think about that for a moment. I can agree to his performance in ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ but ‘Moneyball’ ???? WERE YOU HIGH.
Sleep deprivation is getting to me.
I had tipped the ‘Frozen’ song to win, but I didn’t know that the woman who’d be singing it was gonna be horrible. My friend was raving about this song and that lady ruined it. And she KNEW she ruined it. And EVERYONE KNEW, but they still pity clapped, even going as far as PITY STANDING for this incompetent performer. Yeah, I get it, it’s the Oscars and it’s pretty big and you’re nervous but THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. Is this your first time on the stage? Why would you accept to do this if you weren’t ready?
It’s bad enough we have to listen to Ellen’s weird pizza joke – but now this; out of rhythm, out of tune, OUT OF YOUR MIND?!
Sandra Bullock, thankfully, did not nab another Oscar – though she probably should have gotten one for ‘Gravity’ rather than the useless and superfluous ‘The Blind Side’. I don’t know what happened that year. But everyone was being a good sport and threw technical awards at an obviously superior technical movie. Well done, space nerds.
On a completely unrelated note, the royals of Hollywood, Brad and Angelina, kinda seemed like those weird far-our relatives who are totally perfect and you just hate them for being this great. Or do I? When they played the video of Angelina receiving the humanitarian honorary award, Brad leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, and had you asked me 4 months ago what I thought about that, I would have been like “PFFF SO WHAT, SLOBBER FACE” but now that I know better, I was all like “AAAAWLEEEE CUUUUUUTE GAAAAAAAH” and it was gross.
Also. Angelina’s boobs. I know they’re fake (or – are they clip-on prosthetics? Would she be that hard-core?) but damn girl. They’re huge now.
I like it. Makes it believable that she had “six” kids.
Is Julia Roberts still married?
And where was George Clooney, the gang was there, his movie was on the board, but where was the new Mr. Hollywood?
So many questions.
The internet’s boyfriend Benedict and my secret lover, Michael Fassbender, were both in the same row (I think??) and both looked dreamy and luscious lipped (Adventure Time!). Michael (and even, for some reason completely out of the blue, Ewan McGregor) has a beard that closely resembles my other boyfriend, the one I get to touch. I like that. Beards are sexy.
More sexy beards!
I did whole-heartedly approve of the “no-clapping”/”equal timed” In Memoriam bit and jesus did the industry lose a lot of people I knew of this year. Or was that just me who thought that – James Gandolfini, Paul Walker, Peter O’Toole, Shirley Temple, Phillip Seymour Hoffman…. Although, when people die from drugs, I tend to dismiss it as assisted suicide. Really, what the fuck are you doing.
I must say, I did enjoy this year’s performance, nice work Oscar production team, it felt like an awkward family get-together turn good, though what the hell with that “look at us, we’ve invited aspiring teenage moviemakers to be price camels this year – yay!” Looked like the most ridiculous pretext for free labour. Yeah, put that on your CV. ‘I touched an Oscar’.
Oscar curse all over those poor sons of bitches.
Can I just mention that ‘Helium’, which is Danish, and made by the brother of a local singer who used to date Helena Christensen (who has a baby with Norman Reedus – who’s on The Walking Dead, which was on AT THE SAME TIME. KEVIN BACON) won the only out of three Danish-made entries. Three entries. Even I’m impressed and I’m as dead inside as John Travolta’s toupee.
But that’s pretty much all the praise anything Danish will get from me today. Why? Because the coverage from Denmark, the live coverage, the shit they put on when there’re commercial breaks in the States, is SO RUBBISH I CAN’T…. CAN’T EVEN….. RACIST….. ILL-RESEARCHED…… JUST… DUMB… DUMB SHIT…. NO WORDS…. ENCOMPASS… OUTRAGE.
It’s like… the biggest trolling ever.
Fire those idiots. Do it NOW.
Urgh, my sadness that Leo didn’t win is coming back. So much disappointment. Such great feels.
My train is stuck in Hobro.
I seriously need to poo but can’t bring myself to leave my seat. This is gonna be a long ass Monday.
Happy Oscars to you.