Wowza, that’s a long title. I wanted to do a run-down of four movies that were on my list this year, and which I’ve watched but failed to review (because I’m so damn
I like talking about movies. I should talk about movies some more.
Star Trek Into Darkness: Sequel to the popular reboot of the Star Wars franchise, now set in an alternate universe and with less campiness, less actual aliens and less geek-cheese.
MINDFUCK RATING: 3.5/5
Why watch it? – Two fancy words bitches; Benedict Cumberbatch. The man never turned my head until this movie came along; dark-haired, deep-voiced, bad-ass fighting son of a…. GIMME-SOME-OF-THAT. Jesus. I went to the cinema TWICE to gaze upon his magnificent being. And I rarely go to the cinema more than once for the same movie. He’s special. Forget the story, forget Kirk and Spock and all those other knob heads – focus on Cumberbatch. He makes it all worth while.
Notable details: LENSFLARES.
Stoker: English-language debut of Korean director Chan-wook Park about a dead man’s mysterious brother, incest, MILFs, murder and masturbating in the shower. Standard drama stuff.
MINDFUCK RATING: 3/5
Why watch it? – I feel bad for giving this otherwise well-crafted film less points than Star Trek, and it’s not even a matter of preference. I’m aesthetically more drawn to Stoker than Star Trek. I have infinitely more respect for Park, who made one of my favourite movies of all times. The cinematography is better, the script is better, the acting is better. I can’t really put a finger on what it is that doesn’t work for Stoker. It’s an eerie story, with extremely stoic, complex characters that makes you twist in your seat. I guess I just couldn’t get passed the slow pace and strange predictability of an otherwise well-tailored plot. And maybe the fact that my co-viewer went to shower out of boredom didn’t help. I think something was simply lost between the director’s mind and the performers. You can’t move one way of making movies into another cultural realm without taking some of the magic out of it.
Notable details: Nicole Kidman is only good in small movies.
The Heat: Buddy cop movie which will make you weep in embarrassment.
MINDFUCK RATING: 0.5/5
Why watch it? – Yes. Why the fuck would you watch this? It has one of the most mind-blowingly cringe-worthy scripts I’ve ever experienced and has the dull, uninterested camerawork of White Chicks, Miss Congeniality and a video of a spot being dug out on YouTube. WHY DOES THIS EXIST. WHY WAS IT A ‘hit’ MOVIE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AMERICA.
Notable details: Sandra Bullock is the same lady in ALL MOVIES. Which is why I can’t watch Gravity. Thanks a lot SANDRA.
Iron Man 3: Iron Man keeps working on being Iron Man. And then Mandarin shows up! Nah, just kidding. Still, it’s pretty tough on Iron Man. Oh here’s Guy Pearce as a glow stick. The End.
MINDFUCK RATING: 2/5
Why watch it? – Marvel is on a mission to butt-fuck everyone for the content of their wallet. You would think it would be the other way around; they treat you like a whore and then pay you for your trouble, but no. To be fair, I like the bad guys in this movie (I like the bad guy in the second movie too), and though it’s irritating to see the character of Mandarin written down to a gimmick, I wasn’t big on the comics. I just… I just don’t like Iron Man! There, I said it. He’s just… irritating. Reckless. Useless in many ways since he cause most of the problems he’s in himself. I mean, I like Robert Downey Jr…. I don’t know, this is confusing. So many feels. Can’t decide. Leave me alone.
Notable details: If he could just dig out that splinter from his heart, why didn’t he just do that from the start? WHY DID HE BECOME IRON MAN?? WHAT WAS IT ALL FOR!!?!?!?!? GAAAAAAAH!!!!
And a good Sunday to you. Here’s a status update:
I’m 27 – still a ’20-something’, but edging towards the end of that which means, serious adulthood.
I’m highly educated – so, accustomed to using my mind and I guess, picky when it comes to the performance requirement of any given job.
I’m unemployed – which is….. WHICH SUCKS. Mostly because of the fact that I’m 27 (!) and probably in parts caused by the fact that I’m highly educated… in something completely obscure. Great choice, 22-year-old me. JUST GREAT.
I’m not in a relationship – but I can’t really say I’m single either. I’m caught in a bit of a twisted mess, having fallen in love with a situation I’m not capable of achieving and then accepting another, which I’m struggling to comply with. I find myself gently humming Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” from time to time.
This is a pretty random post. But I woke up feeling…. wrong. And then got to listen to this:
…which has quotations from 1960′s Psycho. Two things occurred to me – a/ I really want to watch Psycho now and b/ we are all, indeed, caught in our private traps.
Seeing that I always look for optimisation in everything I do, it’s difficult to be presented with your own life and realise, that you cannot optimise anything significant. You’re really stuck. You can put in requests to have things changed, but the fulfillment of those requests depend on the cooperation of other people. And other people owe you nothing. So when all you have is words, you’re basically screwed.
It’s rare, and to very few people, that I’m negative-negative. I’m always sarcastic-negative, for fun and commentary, but the heavy, mood-altering double-negative — that’s something dark and evil, that I try to avoid at all cost.
Except today. Today, I embrace it. Because, bummer.
Now I’m gonna write a couple of applications, spend a bit of my money on making a soup, save this picture of a cat from becoming a bunny, and sort out washing for tomorrow.
Life goes on.
Oral sex does not happen a lot in movies or on TV. To be fair, in my opinion, it’s an extremely intimate form of sexual contact, and should in no way be categorised as something one ‘just does’ when.. you know…. we be naked. So the fact that it’s not being portrayed that much is probably reasonable.
Because, you know, it’s like, special. This also seems to be the overall intended sentiment of The Counselor, which I had the mixed pleasure of watching last night. To make it clear to the audience that this couple is very intimate and very much in love, they are portrayed as SUPAR CUTE AND ADORABLY CUDDLING UNDER A SHEET. OMG you guys, cutesy pie (^_^)
As a viewer, we’re wedged pretty awkwardly right up in the face of this totally-super-much-in-love-couple. We’re really in there….. I can almost feel Michael Fassbender’s sweat going into my eyes. Aaaaaand, then there’s really awkward ‘say something sexy to me’ talk.
We’ve all been there…
“Say something hot”
Yeah, I’m not good at dirty talk. Everything besides “you turn me on so much” and “you’re so wet” is all I can muster to hear. I will go for “say you’re my little bitch” only on special occasions.
But enough about my horrifying sexual history, it’s about the cutesy pies now.
Penelope Cruz totally wants Michael Fassbender’s face between her legs. But hey, who wouldn’t? He is a fine piece of man. Very fine. So all us girls be like:
…..when we see that he starts moving towards the HOLY AREA.
Alright Michael, show us what you got! WE’RE READY! THIS IS A HUGE MOMENT - I want to thank Cormac McCarthy for writing this scene, the casting director for getting Michael Fassbender into this, Penelope Cruz for being my vagina stand-in, and of course, Ridley Scott for potentially redeeming himself after ruining Christmas… I mean ALIEN for me.
Give me a visual memory I won’t forget!
Okay, so he crawls down…. aaaaaaaaand…..
WHAT IS THIS?!
An image I thought would go straight to my secret sexual imagination vault, looked more like:
THAT’S NOT HOW YOU DO IT MICHAEL.
Have anyone on the set that day ever received/given cunnilingus??
Obviously, Penelope was faking it, because BASIC ANATOMY.
The vagina entrance is not at the front for god’s sake. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. CAN’T YOU GET ANYTHING RIGHT. Not to mention, when she “comes”, his head is CLEARLY at boob level. I mean WTF. You don’t STOP. Who stops?? THIS IS CRAZY
You ruined it Michael. It’s ruined.
No, I’m serious. Lady Gaga’s Applause, which I found foul to begin with, popped into my head today, and I’ve heard it vigorously all evening. What the hell. Makes me want to power dance. I’ve written about Lady Gaga’s effect on me before.
I have a lot of stuff going on in my life – all of which is trivial and non-important in the great scheme of things, but still, weighing on me like a motherfucker. I turn 27 this weekend and I feel weirdly bummed out by it. I usually don’t care. I usually invite my girl friends out for dinner.
But this year, I plan to eat a big breakfast and jump on a train. Thrilling.
Have a nice one mermaids.